Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Letting go allows me to do more...

I go to regular therapy, every other week. I go like people go to the gym (only, every other week works better for mental health than phys health, right?). I need to keep my mental and emotional health fit.
Last night I was sharing that yesterday's "bad day" didn't make me feel like a piece of s**t, like it usually does. I usually take myself "out back" and flog myself when I make too many mistakes. It can be pretty emotionally violent up in my head. :(
But I messed up several things and low and behold, no one fired me, yelled at me, gave me a demerit (no, people don't do this anymore, I guess), or told me I was a horrible person. And I guess, for once, I followed suit. I didn't do that to myself, either. I worked out a plan to fix the mistakes, I mea culpa'd where necessary, and finished the day.

I shared that in therapy because it was strange. I usually come in and try to dig deep into why I made all those mistakes...and many times I blame myself (inappropriately) for not knowing, not paying attention, not being good enough, etc.
Recently, I've been taking SMALL steps (this book helped me start doing that) to commit to my creative endeavors. Prior to taking small steps, I have been paralyzed with fear about wasting time and not creating something worthwhile.
Listening to the part of me that liked the smart, small steps plan from the book, Just Start, I actually ended up starting a podcast AND deciding on a direction for my next book. Aha! Progress! Movement! Concrete steps!

And then my therapist brilliantly reflected, "It seems that letting go is allowing you to do more..." I've been trying to get to THAT (doing more, releasing more of my creative talents into the world) for a long time. And letting go was the KEY. In order to commit, I needed to LET GO. Normally, I am not about creative commitment because I am afraid of making a mistake in the commitment (bad idea, bad direction, no one cares about it, I'm nothing unique/original, on and on...).

This time, with the commitment, I just told myself that smart, small steps would allow me to commit incrementally and then if I must change directions, I would do so when it made the most sense. If it didn't make sense, then I wouldn't have to change directions. I was trying to see the end before I started. Ack.

Anyway, I have a lot more to say on this, that I have recently discovered about myself and I encourage you to get the book, to think about small, smart steps in the direction of your desires, and how letting go can help you do more.

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