Letting go of thought patterns

Getting shit stolen has a whole host of things that come with it, above and beyond the actual loss, violation, and annoyance at getting it back or getting new stuff. For me, the reminder to listen to, and heed, my intuition has been at the forefront.

I've had accurate and responsive intuition for years. In fact, when all else points to me being paranoid, suspicious, and crazy, a few more minutes, questions, facts and experiences always (ALWAYS) verify that my hunch is/was right. I have a knack for hearing those messages clearly. While I don't always act on the intuition I get, the messages are always clear, simple, and easy to hear.

The robbery is no different. I knew it was coming or I knew how to avoid it months (years?) before it happened. After all, it happened before. And there were steps we took, but we could've and should've done more.

But I digress. Back to intuition. Being a mom comes with a whole new set of listening tools regarding intuition. Now there's this OTHER person who is clearly communicating (if I'm paying attention) and interacting with my world. And I pride myself on being able to hear those messages. Again though, I'm not amazing at heeding the messages, but I try really hard since K's downfall can usually be avoided if I do listen to my intuition.

So I'm getting better about listening to him (regarding the non-verbal stuff...he's getting more and more verbally clear too), and now I need to sharpen the blade of discernment in my own life, with my business, my communication skills, my social life, etc.

Trust is also a big part of letting go. Jumping off the cliff is not a good metaphor for "trusting." Intuition isn't a guess. It's not blind, in the traditional sense. It's not about crossing my fingers and hoping. Intuition is a clear message. When I trust my intuition, it's not a 50/50 chance sort of thing. It's a sure (100%) thing. I get a message, I heed it, I avoid pitfalls. Even when I heed the message and "something goes wrong," I know deep down (not that deep, actually) that really, in the end, it's working out for the best. I know that because I don't feel angry, worried, abandoned. Sure, I might feel put off or a bit surprised, but those are different. The calm comes over me in ways that I couldn't predict.

Heeding my intuition is the most challenging part, but it becomes a habit or a pattern if I allow it to. And at this point, with everything that has happened, it's about time for me to let go of some outdated thought patterns (especially regarding money and security) and start trusting the messages coming through.

I'm excited to see how things will shift (they already are shifting...)

Crap. Letting go is really hard

I know, the title doesn't make you want to read it.

I can't promise that this will be an uplifting post, but if you like honesty, then keep reading.

As you've probably been gathering from my other posts, the whole reason I started this blog and named it "Mama Lets Go" is because this is a key point (read: recurring) in my life, that has been heightened by my entering motherhood.

This past week, my letting go has been harsh. We were robbed and our computers, TV, camera and other things were stolen.

I don't care about the stuff itself...but I had pictures on those computers. I had records of my time with J in Italy, Germany, our house remodels, our fun times before baby and all my labor pics were on those computers. Ugh. Talk about the heaviness of loss. I'm sentimental to a degree, but I guess I have always loved having pics to go through. And they are GONE.

I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it. My MO these days is to carry on and not hangout in the sadness and mourning of that loss. That shit is hard not to do. Several friends have offered pics and I am thankful. But I guess the letting go is something deeper...it lies in what things represent. It's also about listening to my intuition about backing things up, saving the images off site, etc. UGH.

I have nothing profound to say about all of this. I'm not there yet. But I have learned several lessons. I have learned about what's important to me (PICTURES! RECORDED MEMORIES!), and I have learned that I get clear messages and I should heed those messages. I am rarely that surprised about what happens to me...Most of the time, I had several thoughts about what might happen before it does and I choose my actions after those "hunches." My intuition is really good. *Really* good. I should trust it more. And it gives me really helpful/clear hints, tips, ideas, and actions. I'll write on that later.

I still cry when I think about the pictures, about years of time and photos I can't show K and I can't reminisce through when I get older. I know time will heal. I'm open to it.

The grace of letting go

Sawyer passed away yesterday. He was 18 days old. I never got to meet him.

But a friend, who I only know through Facebook, is friends with Sawyer's family, and she asked us to pray for him. And sometimes I feel like my prayers aren't eloquent enough or powerful enough. I have a feeling that I should strengthen my prayer muscle (that's my heart, right?) more, so that when the big guns are needed, like in this case with Baby Sawyer, that I can swoop down with my Spiritual Strength and make everything better (wait, that's not my job, that's Spirit's job, isn't it?).

I wrote to Sawyer telling him of everything he should stick around for:

Dear Sawyer, I don't know you. And your picture is sweeter than anything. And here's what I have to say to you. If I could be there in the hospital with you, giving your family a break, I would hold you fiercely, but gently, I would sing to you with my okay voice, songs that make me happy and dance-y (katy perry seems too topical, but sometimes it's perfect music)...and when no one was looking, I would dance with you too, so you could get in touch with your rhythm and feel the beat inside your own heart. I would tell you about the stuff that's worth seeing (Grand Canyon, Eiffel Tower, and the Scottish Highlands) so you would know that it's worth fighting for. I would tell you about all the weird things that have happened to me and how I have made them part of my life, how they have made me stronger, and how I am able to share with others so they too can feel like they belong here. I would tell you that you belong here. I know you have it in you. I know that your spirit is strong strong strong. I join you today, in your room, dancing to Katy Perry, and sharing all the beautiful things in life that make it worthwhile.

But Sawyer did not survive, despite a very strong fight. His passing is heartbreaking. I cannot imagine what it is to lose a child. I can barely say goodbye to K, which I do EVERYDAY, when he is cared for by others. My heart is aching.

And then I read what Sawyer's mom wrote:

"I am not mad at God. I am only hurting. We will never understand here on earth. I thank God for all his blessings and will always give him the Glory. Sawyer was used to touch so many people and all the praying that went on was just so amazing. Thank you everyone for each time you prayed. God has his plan and I am his child therefore I Will hold my child again."

I am humbled. Sawyer lived 18 whole days, and never met most of the hundreds of people who now know him, and in that short time, all those people turned to Spirit/God. If ever there was an act to be most proud of or most concerned with, it's helping people turn to Spirit, in my opinion. And Sawyer's short life was not without Depth. He reached me. Me, who has a hard time praying, a hard time listening to the news, and an extremely hard time hearing about death. And I turned to God. My prayer wasn't elaborate or eloquent, I just asked to one day meet Sawyer in person. I won't meet him physically, but I have already met Sawyer's spirit, and that was transformational all on its own.

Letting go is immense. It's a huge thing, that is done over and over and over again. Letting go is best friends with change. I can't control either of them. They just happen.

I am grateful for the chance to be in Sawyer's life, however short, as well as a witness to his family's amazing grace.

Asking for help

Before K, I didn't like asking for help. I figured it out by myself. I found ways around needing people. I didn't like to show what I thought was weakness for not being able to take care of myself.

Starting with the simple act of making K, I needed support and help. And I wasn't able to power through on my own. (okay, enough of the innuendo!). I needed to get off the island of DIY and swim over to the mainland, where people hung out together, supported each other, and didn't judge me for my weakness (heck, they didn't even consider it weakness--what?!?).

And that lesson has come back to me again and again in motherhood. When I go all "island," I end up alone, starving, sad, and...well, that's plenty, for me.

Mamas get a ton of hormones and permanent changes when we get pregnant and have babies. Couldn't one of those changes be that we gain the ability to ask for help more easily? I'm putting in my request to evolution.

Before I had K I was told by many people, regarding my lack of help-asking, "Don't say no for me." Whoa. I always think I am saving someone from having to reject me or keeping them from feeling guilty when they don't want to help but can't say no. But I am learning, as someone who likes to help a LOT, that when I don't get asked, then I can't flex my helper muscle. And then I use it incorrectly and end up being not as helpful anyway. But if you ask, and I can help without compromising my own priorities, then I want to...I don't want to know that mamas are at home, under a pile of kids, feeling lonely, unsupported, hungry, unwashed, and desperate. Even if it's doing laundry, I want to be of service. And if I can't help when you ask, keep asking.

So I'm letting go of my secret apartment on the island, and I'm looking for a new, permanent home, on the mainland, with all of you. I hope you'll join me, if you don't already live there.

Consistent and constant practice

I want what I write to be SO. As in, "so be it" and "it shall be done." Like letting go. I want my writing of letting go to be the letting go.

Sigh.

It's not.

A meeting that I wasn't worried about when I agreed to attend it now has me worrying. I don't like secrecy or having things revealed to me in a group setting. Maybe I should've been a journalist. Regardless, what seems innocent about 3 hours ago now has me making up elaborate plans, steeling myself for emotional blows, and planning for my retreat (and I don't mean the relaxing kind).

Ugh. On reflecting though, before having K, I would've been sweating right now. I would've called someone to talk me down. I would've actually been crying and feeling sorry for myself.

But as I went to drop the mail at the post office, I realized, quite frankly, that whatever happens in that meeting in over a week (just enough time to drive myself crazy, if I wanted to), is 1) meant to be 2) doesn't involve my son being taken away or my husband leaving me 3) is completely out of my control. And that means I can choose to worry about it, but in the end, I will achieve nothing from that worry. Worry doesn't make me stronger, more prepared, funnier, more creative, more resourceful, or pleasant to be around.

So even though I'm not that good at letting go, despite my blog title, I really don't have space in my life to worry about this. I have a family to love, a body to cherish, a mind to revel in, a city to explore, and more than enough abundance all around me.

The not-so-obvious changes

When I became a mom/parent, most of the "new things" were obvious. My sleep changed, my diet changed, my availability changed, my time management changed, you get the idea. My social life changed as well. Not that I lost a lot of friends (actually, I gained some friends back, since I was the one without kids and they had already been down the temporary separation of peeps with no kids), but the idea of socializing itself had changed.

I vowed not to be one of those parents that never hangs out because of my kid(s). I vowed never to be a slave to bedtimes, naps, and routines. Most of the time, my kid goes to sleep when he's tired and it's my choice to take him home, or attempt car sleeping. I pay the price when I don't take him home, but sometimes that's worth it.

Recently, I took K to a party. It was a party that was technically for adults. K is really adaptable, friendly, and generally in good spirits in other places. While I was excited for the invite (it was from someone I didn't know well, but wanted to get to know better), I knew that I would be juggling K and socializing. 

To be honest, it was hard. K doesn't walk, but he's an excellent/fast crawler and he's curious. Wants to get into everything. EVERYTHING. So I had him in the backpack for a short bit, until he got uncomfortable, and then I let him out. But I had to run around following him, taking things out of his hands, and monitoring his every move. Ugh. Exhausting, but I don't know if I would do it differently next time.

If every social gathering K goes to is built around him/other kids, then 1) I don't get to visit with adult friends who don't have kids (or their kids are grown), 2) I have to make a bigger effort to organize playdates and our schedule is always in flux it seems and 3) now I have to do things based on my kid, instead of the other way around. When he gets more vocal and mobile, I know this will shift, but for now, I'm still into hanging with my friends, with kids or not.

And here's the part I didn't anticipate: many of my friends won't ever have kids. So they'll continue to hang out with the adults, and I guess I won't see much of them anymore. Because the truth is that many events aren't geared toward kids. In fact, traveling in groups isn't designed for kids unless it's designed for kids. We can't "road trip" to concerts or take our kids to a late-night movie. We can't even go to a late-night movie unless we have someone watch K at our house. Otherwise he won't sleep or we'll have to wake him to take him home and it's not always/usually worth it. 

I didn't anticipate the sadness I'd feel either. Camping with kids doesn't really work for people who don't have kids. There's no more staying up until all hours, drinking (okay, I don't do this anyway, but alcohol and babies isn't a good mix for me), being loud, etc. Just like at home, there are things we need to do, milk gets made, diapers changed, new surroundings acclimated to, and camping seems to fall off the radar the second the baby comes. Boo, I say. That blows. So now camping is about kids and planning and what I loved about camping was kinda not planning. 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give up having a family to have beer around a stinky campfire. But no matter how much life I lived before baby, I'll just miss some things. And in the in-between stage (usually from birth til your child is about eight or so), the not-so-obvious changes occur. I don't want to, but I need to think really hard about "hanging out" now. It's not hanging out...it's dragging my kid to an event, where I want to socialize, but where it's not easy for him to crawl/play/be. If papa doesn't come along, then I am the point person for blowout diaper changes (many, if not most, of them occur outside the home for me), food meltdowns, and crappy naps. I don't want to subject any of us to that. 

But it just makes me sad and I didn't think about that part of me having to say goodbye. 

I look forward to finding new ways to hang out, complete with my kid and hubby/papa and not worrying about crying at night or diaper blowouts. That's why meeting new people and making new friends with kids is great. No one cares. I don't have to track my conversation. I don't need to follow my kid around. And everyone is glad he's there.

I'll probably still drag K to a few parties...because while it's easier to be with other families, I also don't want to talk about my kid all the time. And so continues the paradox of parenthood (the name of my next blog, after I've let everything go...).

Other ways of letting go

15 Things to Give Up to be a Happy Parent

This article speaks to part of the reason I named this blog "Mama Lets Go." I wanted to be happy with being good enough. And I wanted good enough to be more than the bare minimum. I wanted to get off the perfectionist treadmill and get on to the enjoyable stroll outside, which involves living my life.
I have adapted many of these suggestions to much jubilee and elation on my part. Also, the less struggle, the more I can enjoy what's happening, even when it's hard.

I am lucky enough to have a very large community of mamas, who graciously share their advice, experiences, feedback, and support. It helps to see what's on the horizon, examine my expectations, and then release to the present/real experiences as they happen. There are still tears, frustrations, mistakes, missteps, and sharp learning curves, but as I learn how to navigate this new world with K, I learn so much.