I was writing down the feeling I'd like to have (regarding some vision work and feng shui goals) and freedom came up.
I want to feel free.
I wanted to write about it, because I know there's something I'm not letting go of that leads to freedom, or at least that seriously impedes the freedom I want.
I know I need to look at a lot of things to get at the root of not feeling free. It's hard to accept that my captor is likely me. That all the "obstacles" are in quotes because I made them up or at least, I made up that they are obstacles at all.
One thing that I don't like admitting, least of all in public, is that I don't like to let go of stuff. It's really hard. Harder than I thought. And I also don't take any time to examine why it's hard to let go of stuff. I think, "This is hard. So I'll stop looking into it. I'll just keep things until someone notices."
Man, am I crafty though! In a big house, it's easy to hide things. In fact, it's also easy to justify keeping them. Those things combined lead to a house full of stuff (read: crap) and this trapped feeling. And the trapped feeling FOLLOWS ME AROUND.Even outside the house. Maybe especially outside the house.
For example, I have a lot of things I want to give away or sell. I've already let them go in my mind, but for some reason (aha, the imaginary obstacle) I haven't dealt with them and they're still in my house. Ack. But I don't know why, really. It's gotta be about some fear...What if I need it? What if I could sell it for more? What if someone ELSE needs it (so sneaky, is my brain!)? What if I need it for the NEXT kid? A B&B guest? A family member? The president of the united states? Aaaaaaaahhhhh!
And not dealing with stuff is like a permanent nag that takes up space (rent-free) in my mind.
I hear this nagging voice more than 5 times a day (this is where that stat comes from that talks about how we don't have a lot of new thoughts, just the same ones playing over and over)...now the stuff has transformed into a thought, "I need to get rid of stuff", and this thought (and unfortunately,
Stuff and thoughts present basically the same problem for me. Things I don't want, taking up valuable space, so I have to work extra hard to find more space...so then I either, hide the stuff (physical) or try to think up new ideas (but potentially, without clearing out the old stuff, I am just adding the potential of more negative self-talk, since I have a tape that plays, "Great idea, but you don't have ANY follow through, so give up now.") Wow. That's intense. I mean, if I were talking to someone else with this problem, I would be heartbroken for them. I might even cry. Because all the good ideas are trapped or stifled, at best. In fact, some of those ideas are actually great, and maybe even amazing. Can you imagine? Amazing ideas just slipping away left and right because I am not motivated enough to clean up my brain and house?
There's a phrase in recovery that I like/hate: Are you willing to go to any lengths? This is a tough question. But it's the question that, when honestly answered, tells me how much pain I am willing to endure before I seek help. It also leads to another recovery (para)phrase: When it hurts badly enough, you'll do what it takes. Crap, so does that mean it doesn't hurt badly enough?
I have a hard time thinking that is true. Cause it feels pretty horrible right now. Like, up at night, losing sleep, feeling useless, hate my kid seeing me this way, kind of horrible. I also know that many times my clutter frustrates my husband. And I hate when that happens too.
When I read/talk about the examples we are for our children, there's a lot about body image, health, morals, and ethics, race, beliefs, etc. But shit, I'm still holding onto magazines from 2009, in case I feel like reading up on the past. So what does THAT tell my kid?
I'm also holding onto stuff that I don't need, "just in case," and what does THAT also tell my kid? That I don't trust the universe to bring it back to me if I need it again. And why don't I? Has the universe ever done me so wrong that I couldn't figure a way out of it (without creating a warehouse of stuff to solve the problem?). Simply and honestly, no.
The universe has never done me wrong. In fact, when shit has happened, I am constantly amazed about how the right thing at the right times ALWAYS appears. In fact, I can't think of the opposite proof. I cannot think of a time when I was so down/wronged/lost that no one, no thing, and no feeling couldn't help me. From strangers to family members, I've always been held in place. A very good place, I might add.
Letting go of the idea that I need to save everything (especially broken or wrong for me things) is not a small feat. In fact, for me, it might be one of the larger ones. I don't want to make a big declaration here that I will get rid of everything, but I want to state that my intention is to declutter my life, not because it's trendy and I saw it on Pinterest (but that helps), but because I want to free myself and my brain (and my house) from things that trap and keep me (and my family, to be honest) down. Because I have a lot to offer. And no fancy workshop, or spiritual CD or self-help book or even professional organizer will do the work for me. I just have to do it. Literally, one day (and drawer) at a time. And I don't want to hit bottom before I can start going up again.
I will take a picture of K and put it up where I am working on decluttering, to remind me that K is watching and experiencing me, with or without my consent...and he sees the stuff (literally and figuratively) that clouds my life...and I want him to know the real mama that called him here, that can do real healing work in the world, that has felt free before and really wants to feel it again...he'll love me no matter what, but I want him to feel like he can hold me in the light without doing it to help me...that he just does it because I embody that light already.
Here I go...