Perfect little mama

Don't misunderstand, that's not what I am calling myself.

This is about 'providing' experiences for K. It's Halloween week (remember when it was just a day or two around Halloween and not a month?) and I had big plans for my 14 month old. We were going to the zoo for Pumpkin Bash. We were going to meet other moms at Harvest Fest at waddle around in the bought-on-time duck costume (I always made my own costume at the last minute). I was going to bring him to an adult party to show him off (many haven't seen him since his birth!). I even bought candy two weeks ahead of time (it's all gone now, but I did!).

But here's what happened. K started teething weeks ago and this past weekend he was tired, drool-y, congested, hungry, and I just let us be home. We went out a bit for necessary errands, but ultimately, I missed the "festive" and "tradition-building" boat. And felt crappy looking at pictures of more "active" families, doing the holiday thing on Facebook.

UGH.

I started down the road of "Crap, are we those parents? The parents who don't do holiday type things at the time of the actual holiday?" It's a long, bumpy road.

But luckily, after nap #2, when I went it to get K, I saw my kid's face when he saw me. He was happy to see me. He doesn't know he missed ANYTHING. In fact, really, all he cares about is missing me. I know that because he's happy most of the time. And actually, so am I. I'm content to play inside when it rains (we didn't go out because I can't justify a clean costume+rain+teething/congestion+and no papa to share it with--papa was working).

We have loads of fun at home. My kid sleeps at night. I am not depressed or starved for me-time. These are the things that make a difference. I remember a couple Halloweens and a few other holidays. There are holidays that stand out and others that don't. And frankly, I only care about spending time with my family. Seriously. If we all had to just sit around and eat beans out of a can while telling stories, I would be so content it would be surprising to most people.

When I got pregnant and then birthed K, I made no promises of standard traditions being upheld. In fact, I didn't make any promises but this is my vow: I vow to love. That's it. I may forget to do things and we may have minimal money sometimes for Hanukkah and birthdays...and we may be too tired for cookie-making and wreath-hanging...but I vow to love fiercely. And we'll find moments and create memories and it won't be about awesome costumes and holiday festivities every year. Some years, yes. Other years, we'll opt for whatever we can manage. But boy, there will be love.

So I let up on myself. K and I had a bit of dinner, took a bath, and he went to bed early. He slept through the night, and I couldn't wait to see him again in the morning. He may not remember that specific thing, but his duck costume has nothing to do with my love for him. And I am grateful for that. It's just a holiday, it's just a costume.

I can let go of all the parental expectations I have for myself. My mom wasn't "on" every holiday. She picked her favs and I remember about 20% of those. Also, it doesn't make a lot of sense to make a big deal of holidays that aren't a big deal to me. When K gets older, he'll let his loves/preferences be known. I loved me some Hanukkah...and I still love it. I don't celebrate it the way our family did when I was little, but I still love it. I need to trust that we'll figure it out together...the whole family...not just the mama who checks Pinterest too much.

There are so many things that I never even thought about letting go of...

Preparing

Part of letting go for me is about the actual letting go, and then part of it is about the "to do what?" dilemma. So I know that I'm venturing out into something bigger...that I'm already on that path, even. But strangely, I feel like I am avoiding the eyes (and everything else, for that matter) of the guy I have a crush on, even though I WANT to say hi, hang out, and talk about music, etc. I know that I will be working on the B&B, and the upgrades will be awesome...and yet I am also preparing for the inevitable downtime that the hospitality business has in the summer, in Seattle. So I turn my focus to other ventures like editing, helping out at B Fuller's Mortar & Pestle, and any other freelance/temporary work. But I've barely even prepared for the time I have legitimately to work on Synergy B&B.

I'm always trying to be 2-3 steps ahead of myself (and everyone else). I'm afraid that if I really spend all my time planning the upgrades, working on marketing, and handing out cards, when it doesn't work (nice attitude!), I'll be tired, unemployed, and quickly broke.

I don't raise my son that way, though.

I give him the full blast, as often as I can. Sometimes it's not very awesome-looking...but it's always the best I can do at the time. I'm used to that with him. I play hard. I attempt more cooking for him. I prepare and I live in the moment, together...

So why is this different? Well, K is a little person. Who talks, walks, eats, poops, etc. And the house, probably to its dismay, can get pushed aside (horrible, I know) more easily. Granted, when a furnace goes out, or a pipe bursts, then I pay attention, but otherwise I carry on.

I guess I can prepare, let go, and live in the moment. There is a delicate balance to all of those, which is how I probably live my life anyway. I can't prepare for something I don't know about (will the B&B business grow?), but I can definitely put time, energy and love into my updates.

And letting go is just that. It's saying a goodbye and looking ahead to what will come.

My kid isn't like me

And thank goodness.

I don't just mean it in the way that we are simply different from each other. I mean that my kid, despite his DNA, isn't like me, very much. Sure, we have things in common. But I look at K like a completely different person. When he tries to do stuff (use keys, talk on the phone, eat, read, converse) I am beginning to see who he is as an individual.

It's nothing short of amazing.

More than just "Hey, he's smart." If I pay enough attention, I can see the little person he is in there. I can align with his desire to learn about how keys work, about how things fit together. He wants to communicate and I can help. And not just so I can brag to family about it later. Also, when he does less than desirable things (we're entering that phase at 12+ months), I can act/react the way that would be aligned with how we live and interact; he can see that while he's sad, and I'm sad he's sad, he just can't do some stuff, to his dismay. Like, we don't headbutt others when we are angry. Not cool.

All of the learning is becoming way more fluid. He'll get numbers, colors, and letters in school. And he'll pick it up, I'm confident. But the harder stuff is the stuff that's specific to him and us, as a family. He needs to learn about the way he interacts because we have an interactive business, family, and world. He needs to play by himself, not so I can be alone more, but because we have this community-oriented life and if he wants to take care of his needs, he needs to learn how to do that and ask our help, if needed.

Every night or day that I second-guess any of our "parenting" decisions, I have to talk myself down, explaining that this is how our world is, or this is who our kid is. From diapers, to food, to sleep, to toys, to whatever. This is us. This is our kid. This is our world. I didn't think that would be so challenging.

Preparing our kid for Ivy League schools is totally NOT the point. Neither of us went to those types schools. But we did take our education seriously, so K sees that about us. I don't care what K does with his talents or desires. I just want him to know we're watching and we want to encourage him and his uniqueness is welcome.

I know that our encouragement of certain things will raise eyebrows. "An actor? Writer? Artist? Chef? Philosopher? What will he do for money? Respectability? A job?" Yikes. If I spend too much time there I will completely discount my faith in my kid. Even if he's the smartest kid in the world, it's really none of my business what he does with it. I know I didn't "live up to my potential" according to hundreds of people, but hey, I like myself! I found an awesome mate. I'm not on drugs! And that's part of our family culture too. As long as you are happy, kid, we'll try to be as helpful as possible.

I will likely revisit this concept a lot. When I forget that K is his own person and start thinking that people are judging me because of how he acts, I will try to remember that we are our own people AND we are reflections of others. I will try not to make K do things because of the way it might look to others if he doesn't. That won't be easy. But I want K to feel okay about who he is. That's part of my job/responsibility as his parent. He'll have a lot of obstacles and I hope not to be a big one.

The Fall

it's the air
the swirling mix of fireplaces,
rotting leaves
the inhale, exhale of change
the sweet of apple
the earthy of pumpkin
rubber boots
wool sweaters
cinnamon sneaking into my teas.

Seasons shift
when I'm not looking
but it happens one smell
at
a
time

So what does it *look* like?

Okay, two posts on being "bigger" but what about the details?

I know how I am now:

1) I'm not satisfied at work
2) I am not interacting with people the way I want
3) My business is not a reflection of the amazingness of my world
4) I am not the way I want to be in my marriage
5) I don't dress the way I feel about myself
6) My enthusiasm is not shared
7) My generosity is not shared
8) My creativity is not shared to its full extent

That's all I need to dwell on for now. All of those things are ways that I limit myself in the world. Feels weird to admit any of that, but in all honesty, if I don't admit it, then it doesn't change (see Step 1 in the Big Book). And when I feel less sneaky, then I can get to shifting...sneakiness takes a lot of energy, doesn't it?

So that's what I see at the moment. And I'm looking into how those can and will shift as I transition.

1) Move to doing work that expresses my love for the world
2) Being honest and compassionate, showing up when I can and being honest when I can't (and not going to shame or guilt about it)
3) Creating a business structure that speaks to who I am, that serves others, and that brings in the Spirit that is ever-present in my life
4) Move beyond mere maintenance into goal setting and ideals...we are over the hump of crazy new baby life and I need to put more effort into our marriage...especially because I LOVE being married!
5) This is an easy fix. Several friends want to help and have ideas. I can dress better AND it can reflect my style.
6) I do not share my enthusiasm because it's intense. That's just silly. Intensity isn't bad. Why do I think that?
7) I am not generous because I worry about there not being enough. Also silly. And NOT TRUE.
8) I am really creative. I am artistic. I suppress this because it's not "lucrative" or fruitful. Also, I have perfectionistic fears of wasting things. This limits how I see the world and how I share it. Again, pretty silly.

So stay tuned. I will have a lot of time coming up to work on these things. I'm open to feedback, too.

Baby Stuff

I'm not sure why I want to bare all on this blog. I think I was perfectly fine hiding all my demons from the public (which is really, at this point, a group of my friends). But to write a blog called letting go, while not revealing things that I'm having a tough time letting go of, seems, well, disingenuous and silly.

So K is now 11 months. I actually cannot believe it. In that time from his arrival until now, he has moved rapidly through clothes, toys (well, sort of), accessories, gear, diapers, and eating habits.

We were given/gifted a LOT of stuff, thankfully. It seems to be the way of the world, to give baby stuff away. And I want to stay in that flow. Because it's generous and loving and decluttering (which is a big deal for me)...but what about baby #2? Some things were special/handmade, so that's a no-brainer--KEEP. But other things are simply cute or gender neutral (which works when you won't know the sex of the next kid too) or functional (for a wiggly baby, snaps are the devil and zippered PJs RULE). I want to keep those. I'm sure I won't be faulted, but I feel guilty. Because I should give stuff away. And I didn't need half of the clothes I got (K didn't wear a bunch of stuff--white, made for bigger babies, hard for us to put on him, etc), so that's easy, but I don't want to hog the clothes.

Also, will people feel offended if I give up stuff with stains? I have labored endlessly to keep things stain-free (tie dye clothing isn't just for hippies anymore!), but I feel bad when the stuff I have to give away looks like a baby wore it. ARGH! Part of my perfectionist ways most definitely include, and even highlight, my love of laundry and stain-freeness.

Luckily, when people have given me stuff with the caveat that they want it back, I am more than happy to oblige. I don't want to own most of the stuff, to be honest. And when the kids are old, save a few items that I want personally, I will likely not save much of that stuff. I'll leave the storage in the attic for the millions of art projects that I can't part with.

Okay, that's all. I just wanted to say I'm feeling bad about not giving up my baby clothes yet. And maybe I'm also giving myself permission to hold on to some stuff for #2 (and then giving it up THEN).

It's not all heavy, this letting go. Sometimes, logistics play a part...

Letting go of small

Man, do I want to stay small, hidden, and inconsequential at the moment. Well, sometimes.

Despite my loud mouth, my 'big' energy, and my often intimidating (unintentionally!) ways, I am practically addicted to staying small. Letting go of that smallness, that desire to hide, and the safety of well, playing it safe is really challenging.

And I am doing all sorts of things to keep it going. I'm worrying (great way to stay small, for sure). I'm making up arguments from imaginary people who have not said these things to me ("You can't make money with the B&B," "Writing is not a career, it's a hobby that pays poorly," "You don't look good on video so don't put yourself on YouTube," "Everyone else is craftier, more pleasant, more creative, and has more discipline than you."--the list goes on). I'm creating busywork that doesn't feed/foster my business. I am creating busywork that I can't do/am challenged by, just so I can make excuses about why I can't make money, as a self-employed person.

Ack. I think I solved my problem with why I can't sleep most nights.

But playing small is crazy. And letting go of playing small is one of my claw mark moments.

So no more playing small (declaration!). Part of being a good mom for me is showing K how to do stuff. Not just telling him, or having him watch it on TV or reading it in a book. Part of me leaving my job is about admitting to myself that since family is one of, if not the, top values/priorities in my life, spending more time at work clashes with that value.

I haven't spent a lot of time reflecting on why family is so important to me, but it occurs to me that with  my dad's very early death (cancer/brain tumor at 41, with 4 kids!), it's just about spending as much time as possible with the people I love. Additionally, when my dad was sick, my family got even closer and that really helped us all survive the death, in many ways, in my opinion. So spending more time being available to my family is just something that attracts me to a more flexible schedule.

Running a business is hard work. What makes it worthwhile to me is not just the flexibility, but being able to make an impact in other people's lives. That's a real thing for me. Not just "you're a great person, thanks for being our guest," but more along the lines of "My life will never be the same, you've helped me see how amazing I am, and I want to pass this great feeling on to others." That gets me up in the morning, that's what I think about on my way to bed, and that's what keeps me growing. K needs to know that. He needs to know that I am not choosing to work less, but I am choosing to work differently and that difference is aimed at being the change I want to see in the world.

This is deep stuff for a 1 year old, but I plan on discussing it later (like when he's 3...ha!) with him because I can't make him do stuff (get into college, get a good job, etc), but I can involve him in why we choose what we choose. What led us to the choices, who is impacted by those choices, etc. Most of the time, when people talk about living in poverty or struggling, they don't dwell on that. They mention it, say it was hard, and then say that they never felt a lack of love. I am not planning on poverty (I'm playing bigger!), but I don't want to worry about that. I want K to see that we are consciously making these choices. Also, I want him to see that I am not worried, that I have faith in the path ahead, and that I see this departure as a definite opportunity to see just how big I can get.