Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Letting go...of anger

Well, to be honest, I'm not actually letting go of anger. But I'm willing to write about it for now and then maybe in the future, talk about it and THEN perhaps let it go. I don't want you to think that just because I'm blogging about it, that I can *poof* let it go. It's not THAT easy.

There's not a lot of talk about mamas and anger. And when we do talk about it, we also lump in postpartum depression, sarcasm, sleep deprivation, etc. Anger gets dissipated and diluted.  It feels weird for me to feel anger when this amazing little person is casting so much amazing light on the why am I so angry?

Before I can let things go, I have to recognize that I feel them first. Feeling anger isn't applauded or accepted or supported. In fact, I feel embarrassed right now even writing about it. Especially, if you were to see me, you wouldn't see a scowl on my face or hear me banging my fists...because it's not cool to show anger either. Now that I am a mom, that shit has to be kept wrapped up TIGHT.

I don't know where I learned that.
It doesn't work, if you're wondering.
I got nothin' under any kind of wrap.

Things have changed. Another person's life is in my/our hands. Priorities are just different. Not that different, but the intensity has changed. The urgency has changed. The tolerance has changed. The deep desire has changed. So when I am "upset," it feels more real. It feels poisonous. It's quick and damaging and disconnecting. A few affirmations and a good cry do not dowse the anger flames with any sort of dampening affect. Anger is bigger than a feeling, it's a living demon, camping out in my heart, mind, body and soul.

Truth be told, I want to go back to the old tolerant, "water off a duck's back" Me. I was more easy-going then...but I can't. Looking at K, creating the surroundings he's in, and seeing that my stressed out, angry self has to be in close proximity to him, makes a mama want faster action. No, I'm not as tolerant, because K can't go to therapy or talk with a friend and work through it. That's an adult concept. So he's looking to me to mitigate the craziness. And when shit goes wrong, I'm useless in the mitigation sense. I can't protect, correct, mitigate, or filter for him. When I'm tired, hungry, lonely, out of shape, dehydrated, stressed out, worrying, etc. I am of no help. So it makes me angry.

My therapist said that anger is trying to tell me something. It's signaling me to get help, to express my feelings, to NOT push it under the rug.

I don't have a lot of positive experience with anger. It usually shows up like a drunk ex-boyfriend, banging on my front door to let him in, so that we can "work it out" (this is a metaphor, not a real-life example). So I'm scared to look at anger in the face. I'm scared to admit I even feel anger. When I told my therapist that I wanted to figure out a way around it, she lovingly told me that I just need to go through it. Ugh.

Stay tuned. I have no idea how this will turn out. But I do know, that if I am to help K with his eventual anger , then I better start working on mine. And fast. That will get me through. I want to be available and even be helpful so that K and his eventual sibling won't have to learn about anger all alone. Because that's no way to live.

Here I go...

1 comment:

  1. (I'll try again :P)

    I enjoyed reading this Becca, not because it was light and fluffy, but because I related to it quite alot. I've been working on letting go of my anger for the past couple of months and I don't know when it happened but I just stopped getting angry at alot of things. I don't know what changed as I didn't actively try to change it. I got a parking ticket last month and the old me would have bitched and moaned all day, but instead I accepted it was my fault and let it go. I also don't get half as much road rage as I once did (AMAZING for me)... It's incredible.. I used to walk around everyday with so much built up anger and was filled with bitterness.

    With all that being said (this is where the slightly negative side comes in), it's INCREDIBLE how fast you lose it. It took me by surprise. I had my first confrontation yesterday in about 2 months. And boy, did it hit me. I felt like crap afterwards. Just to give a brief back story, I've been on a little bit of a zen-cloud lately, consciously trying to do the right thing in situations. And as a result of my peace of mind lately, I've been experiencing......*wait for it*..... BOREDOM. Yes. I've been bored. I'm not used to living life without the highs and the lows. I'm wondering if you're similar to me. I love drama. I love chaos. It fuels my impulses and emotions. Despite the fact that this drama always leads to anger and upset, it's been my safe haven for the last 25 years. So for me, it's all new.

    Well, it's amazing what lessons we learn on a day-to-day basis - I've been complaining of being bored lately. And guess what? I got what I asked for - conflict. I learnt a valuable lesson, that I shouldn't take this 'boredom' for granted and maybe it's just 'peace', but I'm mistaking it for boredom.

    Anyway I went off on a tangent there - basically whenever I sense my emotions are taking over, I use the 'HALT' method - Am I Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? If I feel even one of these things, it usually sends me into feeling shitty. My guess is, on your situation, you may feel ALL of those things, ALOT. I have no idea what it's like being a mother. I can't imagine having to put on a face and do things I don't want to do for the well being of another human life - I do know though that it would create a build up of emotions.

    You're absolutely right, we need to let out that anger. We may not understand WHY we're angry. But it's okay not to know. We don't always have to painstakingly search for WHY, but if you're anything like me and you don't like to 'sit' in emotions, we can get our heads tangled up very easily. It'll work itself out over time. Don't ignore your anger because it will only re-surface. You and I are both emotional beings and I doubt that's ever going to change, despite how good we may get at dealing with feelings. That anger is there for a reason, whether it's protecting you or motivating you to do something you may not know yet. Ride it through :)

    Anyway I'll stop rambling now, you're full of insight and strength and so you probably know everything I'm telling you :) I just thought I'd share my experience to see if it helps in any way.

    Love you!



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