Well, to be honest, I'm not actually letting go of anger. But I'm willing to write about it for now and then maybe in the future, talk about it and THEN perhaps let it go. I don't want you to think that just because I'm blogging about it, that I can *poof* let it go. It's not THAT easy.
There's not a lot of talk about mamas and anger. And when we do talk about it, we also lump in postpartum depression, sarcasm, sleep deprivation, etc. Anger gets dissipated and diluted. It feels weird for me to feel anger when this amazing little person is casting so much amazing light on the scene...so why am I so angry?
Before I can let things go, I have to recognize that I feel them first. Feeling anger isn't applauded or accepted or supported. In fact, I feel embarrassed right now even writing about it. Especially, if you were to see me, you wouldn't see a scowl on my face or hear me banging my fists...because it's not cool to show anger either. Now that I am a mom, that shit has to be kept wrapped up TIGHT.
I don't know where I learned that.
It doesn't work, if you're wondering.
I got nothin' under any kind of wrap.
Things have changed. Another person's life is in my/our hands. Priorities are just different. Not that different, but the intensity has changed. The urgency has changed. The tolerance has changed. The deep desire has changed. So when I am "upset," it feels more real. It feels poisonous. It's quick and damaging and disconnecting. A few affirmations and a good cry do not dowse the anger flames with any sort of dampening affect. Anger is bigger than a feeling, it's a living demon, camping out in my heart, mind, body and soul.
Truth be told, I want to go back to the old tolerant, "water off a duck's back" Me. I was more easy-going then...but I can't. Looking at K, creating the surroundings he's in, and seeing that my stressed out, angry self has to be in close proximity to him, makes a mama want faster action. No, I'm not as tolerant, because K can't go to therapy or talk with a friend and work through it. That's an adult concept. So he's looking to me to mitigate the craziness. And when shit goes wrong, I'm useless in the mitigation sense. I can't protect, correct, mitigate, or filter for him. When I'm tired, hungry, lonely, out of shape, dehydrated, stressed out, worrying, etc. I am of no help. So it makes me angry.
My therapist said that anger is trying to tell me something. It's signaling me to get help, to express my feelings, to NOT push it under the rug.
I don't have a lot of positive experience with anger. It usually shows up like a drunk ex-boyfriend, banging on my front door to let him in, so that we can "work it out" (this is a metaphor, not a real-life example). So I'm scared to look at anger in the face. I'm scared to admit I even feel anger. When I told my therapist that I wanted to figure out a way around it, she lovingly told me that I just need to go through it. Ugh.
Stay tuned. I have no idea how this will turn out. But I do know, that if I am to help K with his eventual anger , then I better start working on mine. And fast. That will get me through. I want to be available and even be helpful so that K and his eventual sibling won't have to learn about anger all alone. Because that's no way to live.
Here I go...