Friday, April 19, 2013

What if I don't want to let go?

I suppose since the entire blog is about letting go, this seems a bit silly/weird/antithetical...but so what?

My theme this week seems to be anger and rage. Therapist said that there's no way around it, just gotta go through it. And until I am in a safe place to "go through it" the anger kinda hangs in the air. Yuck.

The more I think about how angry I am, the more anger I find. Who wants that?

No one, really. But let's look at it this way. There is dust in my house. In fact, some might call it dirt, not just dust. And it's everywhere. And I don't like it and don't want to deal with it. But it's seemingly small, compared to the furniture. Furniture is lovely, it holds things I love, furniture has stories to tell, etc. But no matter how much I love my furniture, the dust is still there. No amount of focusing on the furniture deals with the dust.

It feels the same way with anger. As much as I want to not focus on what's making me angry, changing focus is not "going through" the anger. Grr! So going through it for me is about recognizing it (I have a tendency to dissipate things that make me angry in many ways--a good coping mechanism at times), feeling it (trying not to deny that I am upset), stating/sharing it (appropriately, in safe ways preferably), and THEN (and only then), letting it go.

So, for now, I am watching the anger come up, sometimes multiply, and hang around (recognize). Soon I will be able to try the feeling of it and then the sharing and then the letting go. Stay tuned. This is good stuff.

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