Wednesday, June 5, 2013

I don't want to write about this

Because I don't want it to be true...

One of the hardest things to let go of, is couplehood. I have to say, I've REALLY enjoyed being in a relationship, being  married, being a couple. I like saying "we," I like having things in common with my spouse, I like hearing what hubby has to say. I like the cuddle (actually, we've coined a phrase: huggle), I like the hanging out together, the reflecting together, the errand running, the everything.

And with another person in the mix, the couple becomes a triple. And an unequal triple. In fact, I think of it like a molecule (bare with me, chemistry was NOT my strong suit) with three atoms, two being more stable than the third, but either of the adult two can help the younger third become more stable and sometimes the three of them can be stable together, but sometimes (most times?) not. Because the third atom is young and volatile. One day they will all be more stable (hopefully), but for now, that's a tough standard to uphold.

Frankly, I'm not doing very well at letting go of couplehood. In fact, I don't want to let it go. So really, 1 and 1 and 1 make two and also make three, in addition to making four and five. There are a lot of combinations (math, also not a strong suit) that we can be now. I guess I didn't look at it from all the angles. I just thought we'd be a team and leave it at that. I also imagined an 8 year old child and forgot to imagine ALL the other ages.

Many people tried to scare me (and did so successfully) regarding my marriage and a new baby. But, and I might be in the minority, I want to keep working on the couple part too. Baby K needs to see that our relationship is not JUST in service to his well-being. It's in service to the whole family and the individuals. So, yeah, I won't be letting it go, I'll just be letting go of trying to make it exactly how it was before and instead working on improving it with its new components.

I know the holding on will change and the couple will change too. Part of my spiritual inclination to be in a marriage was to catapult me beyond what I could do by myself. And so it goes that after we go as far as we can in a twosome, the additional person added into the mix will again catapult us to a different place. And I want that too. But this is just one of those "claw mark" moments...

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