Letting go of work. "Good" work.
Okay, I didn't want to write about this (there seems to be a lot of that on this blog, maybe THAT should've been my blog name!)...because I have feelings and assumptions about what it looks like to let go of a job that's provided so much for us. In fact, even when I wanted to let it go before, I found that I couldn't talk about it to people who didn't have jobs. They would've thought I was crazy.
On paper, the job rocks, I get it. But strangely, just like I might not have gone on a date with my husband if I just saw him "on paper," I don't live and die by things on paper. Resumes, job descriptions, dating profiles, company manifestos, etc. 'On paper' doesn't describe the feelings I have, or the eye contact between humans or skip in my heart or the way I like awake at night thinking about the amazing-ness of the universe. I can't capture that on paper (to my dismay).
Looking at this job, I can't compare the sheer glee at the sight of my son in the morning, when I get him out of bed, with a few more hours of pay. That goes away when the job increases its hours. No money makes the disappearance of that moment worth it. I already did it today to come in early to work. I didn't get to see my son's little face. The little person I worked so hard to create, protect, guide, and love...and yes, I know there will be times when I want to get out of the house, but that will be my CHOICE and that's the difference.
Also, letting go has always been a personal thing...it's about my choice and my "other" choices. When I choose K over FT work, I am choosing a lifetime of K (his happiness, bondedness, his reflection on work for money vs. family time, etc.). I can't guarantee that we can all sit around a dinner table every night, but I can choose to have the mornings free or lunches or whole days off...and in the end, money doesn't trump my kids. Money doesn't trump my kids. It also doesn't trump my marriage. When money starts to trump things that I consider THE MOST IMPORTANT THINGS TO ME, then I am traveling down a slippery slope.
I see career parents, and it seems to work for them. They have made peace. But I don't want to make peace that way. It's not peace, actually. Not my peace, anyway. I don't like having to choose money or family...that seems silly (enter philosophical/political argument here)...but I choose my values. Those will prevail. I need them to.
So I am letting "The Job" go. And I feel lighter. I feel more congruent. I still feel a bit scared, but I don't want to let too much fear in, because that will crowd out my faith, confidence, and ultimate excitement about a new adventure.
I know I am meant for greatness. K knows, too. So this is where we start.